


The Days Feel Like Years When I'm Alone

by KelliDiane



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: I don't want to tag much could it could give away stuff., Just please mind the Archive warnings., M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-28 23:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3873394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelliDiane/pseuds/KelliDiane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn isn’t quite sure how it started.</p>
<p>Actually, that isn’t true. He knows exactly how and when it started.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Days Feel Like Years When I'm Alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hungerpunch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hungerpunch/gifts).



> For HungerPunch:
> 
> Well, my darling, I started out wanting to try and incorporate all three prompts together and it just didn't work very well. So I focused mainly on the first prompt and added hints of prompt two when I could. I hope you enjoy this. Also, I'm sorry for the last bit. If you've read any of my works, you know that I can't manage a happy ending.

Zayn isn’t quite sure how it started.  
Actually, that isn’t true. He knows exactly how and when it started. 

It was in Year 11 when Zayn was 16- and still _Zain_ \- when everything started. He was tired of the hate from his fellow students and the prejudice from teachers. He's tired of coming home everyday with a new bruise or another black eye. His mother has gotten into the habit of having the first aid kit ready when he makes it home. 

His sisters never seem to have any trouble, but he figures it’s because they aren’t weird. They like talking to others and enjoy doing social things. He doesn’t. He would much rather sit around and listen to music and paint and it’s beginning to make him question things.

Why should he stay here when all he does is cause his mum pain? Why should he even continue on if all his dad sees when he looks at him is disappointment? What good is he for his sisters if he can’t protect them? He’s just a failure.

It’s his only two friends in the world, Danny and Anthony, that save him. He remembers them finding him after school with the blood on his face from the latest cut above his eye and the newest bruise blossoming on his cheek, both courtesy of his least favourite school mates. They had just sighed and pulled him up from the ground and took him to their house.

Over the next few months, the two of them have him over everyday and the friendship grows stronger. It’s one of the last days of schools when Danny is curled up on the couch with Zain while watching the latest Marvel movie that things take a turn.

Danny’s fingers are rubbing soft circles over the boy’s hipbone and he leans down and kisses the jet black hair. “I hope you know that Anthony and I care about you, Zain. I know we’re all friends, but we consider you family. I want you to know- and I speak for Ant as well- that if you ever need to run home we’ll be here for you.”  
Zain just blinks and curls himself tighter against his best friend. He’s extremely thankful for the two brothers and never wants to leave their side, but he knows that soon enough they’ll all be going their separate ways. Zain’s parents can’t continue to pay for his education and his little sisters’ and his GCSE scores were nothing spectacular. He barely managed to get out of Year 11. There was no leaving Bradford for him.

Danny and Ant, on the other hand, were exceptionally smart and their parents could afford to send them to any Year 12 school they wished and then onto Oxford and Cambridge if they desired. Zain had no doubt that they would be out of Bradford and onto bigger and better things.

“I’m going to audition for X-factor,” Zain says suddenly. He hadn’t even told his parents yet, but he knew that was his only chance to get out of Bradford. “The audition is in Manchester and… I really want you and Ant there. I know you guys will be getting ready for school and everything, but, um, yeah.”

Danny just smiled and pulled him closer. “Of course, Zain! And I know you’ll get through. There’s no way anyone can say no to you.”

Zain just smiles. He doesn’t want to remind Danny that his entire life that been people rejecting him.

************

_165616\. 165616. 165616._

That means there was 165615 people in front of him and that many people who could possibly be more talented than he could ever hope to be. Manchester Central was full of people and the lines to audition were absolutely crazy.

Danny and Ant by his side were the only things that kept Zain grounded and on his feet. More often than not he wanted to run and crawl back into his bed at home, but the two boys that were more like brothers to him kept telling him stop worrying.

“Trust me, Zain. You have more talent in your pinkie then some people here have in their entire bodies. I went ahead and scouted around a little. Heard some… Interesting song choices and some questionable voices. I think there’s only one or two people besides yourself that really have a chance.” Any says cheerfully as he slings an arm around the boy’s shoulder. “Besides,” he continues, “you’re up next.”

Zain pales as he realises that he is indeed next and when his audition number is called, he’s shuffled into a back room and commanded to sing for the producers. His voice shakes and he knows his voice cracked at least once, but they tell him that nerves are common and that he has potential. He’s given a warm smile and shuffled further into the building into another line that is waiting to hit the stage to perform for Simon, Louis, and Nicole.

His friends join him once more and they’re smiling brightly. “First round, done. Now? You just need to impress Simon. Who cares what Louis and Nicole has to say. If Simon thinks you have talent, then you have it.”

Time passes quickly and he’s soon handed a microphone and pushed onto the stage. He gathers what little confidence he has from the producers and his friends and smiles softly as he strides to the centre of the stage.

“Hi, what’s your name?” Simon asks as he looks over his judgement sheet.

“Uh, my name’s Zain.”

“Zain. What are you going to sing?”

“I’m going to sing Mario, uh, _Let Me Love You_.”

“Okay.”

Zain takes a deep breath and remembers all the positive things the producers had said and how Danny and Ant had sat up the past two nights with him listening to him practice and pretending to judge him. He closes his eyes and, “You're the type of woman, deserves good things- fistful of diamonds, hand full of rings. Baby, you're a star; I just want to show you, you are. You should let me love you. Let me-”

Simon throws his hand up, effectively cutting Zain off. “Okay. Louis, yes or no?”

Louis looks over the boy and considers it for a moment. “Yes.”

Zayn nods and tries to contain his smile. “Thank you.”

“Nicole?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

Simon looks down at his paper. “Zain, I’m going to say yes.”

“Thank you.” Zain says with a smile that he tries so hard to keep contained. 

************

They didn’t win. Zain- who now goes by _Zayn_ \- hadn’t made it as a solo artist, but instead as a group artist with four other very talented boys. It had been a tough pill to swallow, knowing he wasn’t good enough to make it on his own, but he sees now what Simon saw in all of them. He knows they’ll end up going far.

Now, he’s back in Bradford packing his bag to leave for London for only God knows how long. He leaves his posters and all of the canvases of his works of art hanging on the walls and makes sure that the bed is tidy and made before pulling all of the drawers open and practically dumping them into the open suitcase on the floor. He has two cases full of clothes and the final one full of shoes, toiletries, and various electronic charging cords.

His mother has cried for hours. She keeps saying it’s a mix of happy and sad tears, but Zayn heard her tell his father last night that it was mainly sad tears. It’s her only son leaving long before she was ready to let him go. It almost makes him feel bad for spending his last night in Bradford over at the Riach’s home, but he knows that he’ll see his family more than his best friend’s.

“Mum?” Zayn knocks on the doorframe of his parents’ bedroom. “I’m getting ready to head over to Danny and Ant’s. They’ve already grabbed my bags… Are you going to be okay?”

“Of course, of course. I just… I expected to have a few more years with you. Promise me you’ll come home whenever you can. I need you, son. We can’t let you go without knowing you’ll eventually come home.” Tricia says, voice shaky and broken as she looks over her small boy.

Zayn closes his eyes and tries to hold back the tears as best as he can. “I’ll always come back. Don’t turn my bedroom into a home gym or anything.” He heads over towards her and wraps her up in her arms. “I’ll come home, I promise.”

There’s some more tears and a bit more promises, but Zayn finally makes it out the door and into his friend’s car.

“You ready to go? It’s going to be a great night.” Danny says as he pulls away from Zayn’s childhood home and all the memories the boy will keep tucked away in his mind forever.

************

Four years later is when everything starts to fall apart.

Niall is the first to notice the change with Zayn.

It’s subtle at first, the pulling back from everyone, but considering the relationship that the two of them have it’s easy to pick up on the small changes with the boy.  
They’re a bit more than friends. Well, Zayn has this need to just serve and who is Niall to turn down a bit of coddling after he’s done a bang up job of keeping his knee in tip top shape. It had started off innocently enough (“Here, let me help you”, “Niall, the doctor said to stay off your knee”, “No, reenacting the slide across the hardwood floors from Risky Business doesn’t count as taking it easy.”) and then just exploded into something more. Zayn was way too proud to admit that he had a slight service kink.

“Zayn, I’m going out with Bressie tomorrow and I want to look rich, but comfortable.” Niall said as he lounged on the couch in Zayn’s (their) flat. He flipped the channels back and forth between the Derby game and his favourite Spanish soap opera- La Necesidad Muertos Amor También.

“Well what do you want me to do about it?”

The blond pauses in his channel flipping and looks over at the older boy. He can already see the slight regret in Zayn’s eyes, but he doesn’t see the boy moving to apologise either. That’s Niall’s first clue that something is not right. “What did you say, Zayn?”

The brown eyed boy took a deep breath and turned to face his friend. “I said, ‘what do you want me to do about it?’” He clenches and unclenches his fists in a nervous habit. “It’s not like you can’t dress yourself.”

“I’m giving you one last chance to answer me correctly, doll, before I have to punish you.” Niall says sternly. He waits patiently for the non-sarcastic answers he’s come to expect from Zayn. It quiet and still for too long before Niall sighs heavily. “You leave me no choice, Zayn. Get over here.”

“Stop, Niall. I’m not really interested into being your pet tonight.” Zayn bites harshly at the blond. He knows it’s not Niall’s fault for the things swimming around in his mind, but he’s the closest person and he plans on releasing a lot on the boy.

The blond immediately drops the harsh look and frowns. “You okay, mate? You seem a little off right now.”

“It’s…” Zayn wants to say nothing, but he knows when he’s been caught. Besides, Niall’s always the one who manages to cheer everyone up- no matter their state of unhappiness. “It’s Danny and Anthony. They’re moving.”

“Moving? To London or…?” Niall isn’t quite sure why the news of his friends moving would disturb Zayn this much. He himself has tried to talk Sean into moving to London multiple times. Why would this distress Zayn so much?

The deep breath and exhale is the only sound that penetrates the room for awhile. Zayn is fiddling with his carton of cigarettes like they had the answers to everything. He had been stress smoking all day and was only down to two fags left and the carton had been full that morning. “Anthony was offered a paid internship in the United Kingdom’s embassy in the states and if he performs well, they’re prepared to offer him full time employment. Danny is going with him continue his University career in America.”

“Oh, Zayn,” Niall frowns and shifts around on the couch to make room for the boy. Once he’s comfortable and his knee isn’t in pain, he pats the space next to him as an invitation for his best mate. “Come here.”

Zayn sighs and moves to sit next to Niall. He leans into the smaller male’s touch and stares at the wall covered in pictures from his childhood. There’s one of Danny, Anthony, and him laughing animatedly at something that the camera can’t see and he smiles softly thinking about how his friends had saved him in high school. 

“They’re who I go to when One Direction becomes too much. If they’re across the ocean and I need them, where will I go?”

Niall stifles a laugh. “Zayn, you’re an international pop sensation. I’m sure you can afford a plane ticket for the states.” He chuckles and pulls the boy a bit closer in his arms. He didn’t get why Zayn was stressing about this.

“But they won’t be in Bradford. When I go home, I stay at their place. That’s pretty much where I lived the last two years of secondary. Danny and Ant were my brothers. I’m closer to them than I am my own sisters.” He looks up at his friend and pouts. “Come on, you have to know what that’s like. You and Greg were five years apart. Are you saying that you went to Greg whenever you had a problem, but you never told Sean?”

“Well…” All of the boys knew about the problems between Niall and his brother.

“See? I couldn’t go to my sisters. Those two were all I had.” Zayn says in a quiet whisper.

The blond sighs and runs his fingers through the inky black hair as softly as the product laiden locks would allow him. “When is the move?”

“In three weeks. Danny is staying a bit longer than that since the American Universities have a bit of a break for winter right now.” He closes his eyes and sighs softly. “I need to see them once more before they go.”

“We’re on a two week break, Zayn. Why aren’t you booking a flight up to Leeds right now?”

Zayn looks up at the blond with a small frown. “Interviews and photoshoots? Niall, did you forget about that aspect of the job?

“So we cancel. Babe, your health and well being is more important. I don’t think you understand that the other boys will completely support you. Remember that time Louis called in sick for a whole week and then we found out he was helping Stan move? I’m sure they’d tell you the same thing.”

After thirty minutes of debate and calling the other three boys, it’s settled that Zayn and Niall will be heading up to Bradford in the morning. Niall gets them their tickets from Elstree Airfield to Leeds Bradford International and then immediately starts to pack.

Zayn is still just sitting there. Now that he isn’t freaking out about missing work, he’s worried about his two lives crashing into each other. Sure, Louis has been to Bradford and hung out there with everyone, but that was different. Louis was a Yorkshire lad through and through- he fit right in.

Niall though is an outsider. He doesn’t know what a “get up the dancers” means or that he’ll need to stay out of the “ginnels” around the neighbourhood. Most importantly, he won’t understand the relationship him, Danny, and Ant have. Niall didn’t have any sisters so he couldn’t possibly get the feeling of being trapped and closed in by women.

It’s all something that Zayn is quietly thinking about for a long time. He’s worried that his relationship with his childhood friends may be a bit weird- even for Niall.  
“Are you sure you want to come with me? I mean… You’ve never really been to Bradford so…” Zayn asks quietly as he moves to the bedroom to see Niall packing for them. “It’s just… I‘m worried that the lads and my relationship might seem a bit different than what you’re expecting.”

Niall stops folding the shirt in his hands and looks at Zayn confusedly. “What are you saying?”

“I’m just- I mean they- Honestly I… They’re the ones who found my service kink.” Zayn says as he shifts nervously from foot to foot. “They found me in a really dark time and it honestly just started out as a distraction from myself. I mean, they would constantly make sure I wasn’t thinking about the hatred and ugliness that lots of guys at school directed towards me and somehow it… Blossomed.” He plays with the cuff of his sleeve like it’s no big deal.

“So they… You know…” The blond makes a vague motion that’s supposed to mean something dirty, but just ends up being a fail of his arm. “Like, they were the first?”  
Zayn nods as his face flares up in embarrassment. “Yeah. They were a lot of firsts. First kiss, first relationship, first- uh- master figure, first to love me…” It’s so weird talking about his past sexual partners with his current mate. It’s not that Niall had thought he was a virgin, but telling him that the connection between the three was more than just purely physical and more of a spiritual and emotional bond is awkward.

Niall just smiles brightly. “Then I have to go to Bradford. Have to properly thank them for keeping you safe; have to thank them for keeping you alive for me.”

************

“Do you think the place will be furnished or should we ship our furniture over?” Danny asks with a bemused look as he watches his brother linger on a picture from the final day of secondary. “I mean, it is your apartment and internship after all. I’m just crashing at your home so I can attend a real American University.”

“Hmm?” Anthony looks up from the picture of him, his twin, and Zayn and frowns. “I didn’t actually ask. I would assume the place is furnished since it says ‘move-in ready’, but I don’t know for sure.” He grabs the picture and keeps his gaze on it for a while before sighing and putting into a box marked ‘storage’. “Are you sure you want to come along? I mean, I want you there, but what if Zayn comes home? You know he won’t stay with his family. If we both leave where is he going to go?”

Danny shrugs and flops down on the couch that had yet to get moved out. “He’s going to have to grow up I guess. Which is ironic since he’s the world famous ‘Bradford Bad Boi’ that jets over to other countries at the drop of a hat. You’d think he would have had to grow up by now.”

A knock on the front door pulls them from their conversation.

“Coming!” Danny yells as he realises that Anthony isn’t budging from where he’s dusting off more knick-knacks and storing them. “Maybe our pizza is finally here.”  
The door opens before he can make it across the room though and there’s Zayn standing there with a bag at his feet.

The twins stare for a second in shock before bounding over and quickly wrapping him up in a hug and yelling their exclamations of love and joy. “Zayn! What the hell are you doing here? Why didn’t you tell us you were coming?”

The three stumble through the doorway and into the small kitchen right there by the entrance. They haven’t let go of each other and Niall, who had quietly stepped inside and closed the door, was beginning to feel a little out of place. He clears his throat hoping to gain anyone’s attention.

Anthony looks up at the noise and smiles sheepishly. “Sorry, Niall. It’s been awhile since this twat has come home though.” He places a small kiss to his best friend’s hair and finally pulls away from the group hug that was starting to disburse.

After they’ve settled down in the living room with beer and a pizza order has been placed, they finally start to discuss the big changes coming their way. “So you heard we were leaving?”

“Yeah. You’re mum told my mum and she told me. Were you just going to leave without saying good bye? Were you even going to tell me?” Zayn asks with a small chuckle hoping to keep the actual anger and hurt from his voice. His eyes must betray him though because the twins suddenly look very uncomfortable.

Anthony shifts on the lumpy couch cushions before sighing. “We thought it might make you go home really. Your mum had been telling ours that she hadn’t had you under her roof since before X-Factor and that she missed you being with them. When I got offered the position I thought that if we didn’t tell you, you would have to stay with them. It’s only for a year.”

“Yeah. Besides, you rarely ever come up here anymore because you’re so bloody busy. Didn’t really think it would be a big deal. We didn’t think you’d make it up here in that timeframe.” Danny says quietly as he runs his fingers through the dark locks of his extremely close friend.

Niall frowns. “But you guys are the reason he’s here. You’re the reason he’s in One Direction and that he’s even still alive. You have to know what just leaving would have done to him.”

“He has you now. He doesn’t need us.” Anthony says with a shrug as he sips at his beer.

Before anyone can retort, there’s a knock on the door. Zayn swallows back the lump in his throat as he stands up. “It’s probably the pizza. I’ll just grab it.”

Once he’s gone, Niall turns to the twins. “He may have me, but it’s always you two that he wants. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to come up here with him because he wanted to have one last night with his mates- his loves.” He lowers his voice further when he hears Zayn thank the pizza man at the door. “I want him to have that night so I’ve booked a hotel room for myself. Please just… Take care of him.”

Zayn returns with the pizza and gives the three boys a small smile. “Food?”

“I’m actually getting ready to head out. My mate is in Leeds and he’s come to Bradford for the night to grab a pint or two.” Niall says as he downs the rest of his beer. “I’ll be back in the morning to get you Zayn.”

Danny shouts his goodbye around a mouthful of pizza as Anthony gets up to show Niall to the door.

“I really appreciate this, Niall. We really didn’t think he’d react that badly. We knew you guys had gotten close since the operation and we just didn’t think-”  
Niall cuts the boy off by pressing his lips tightly against the slightly parted ones. It lasts for only a few seconds, but it’s enough to stun Anthony. Niall just licks his lips  
slowly and looks up at the slightly taller male. “Sorry. Just had to see what he liked so much. Thank you… I know you won’t hurt him.”

Anthony watches the popstar drive away with a sad smile. “Thank you for picking up the pieces,” he whispers before heading back to the others.

“So are you guys sure that there is nothing I can do to make you guys change your minds? I mean, I can support you guys. If it’s a matter of money, just say the word. I’ll pay for anything. I can-”

“Zayn,” Danny says suddenly the serious one, “we supported you and your dream. It’s time for you to return the favour.” He stares the richer boy down like he used to. “Now, I’m not saying you have to be happy- Ant and I were gutted when you left for X-Factor and really didn’t come home- but you have to be supportive. Anthony is going to be working with Peter Westmacott. That’s huge, Zayn. And me? I’m continuing my education. It’s what we want and you know that we’ve been wanting to do this kind of stuff for awhile now.”

“I know, I know. And I’m happy for you- I really am- but I want to go with you. We always said we would go together and now you’re leaving me.” Zayn says a bit like  
a petulant child. “Why are you leaving?”

“Are you going to quit the band? It that what you want? You are always more than welcome to join us, but just realise that that means leaving the four who have become family to you.” Danny continues on, “but we both know you can’t leave them. Not yet. You have Niall. He’s your life now. We were just the one’s to take care of you. As soon as you were in DC with us, you’d be miserable because you wouldn’t have him.”

It’s quiet for a few moments before Anthony sighs and comes over to hold Zayn in his arms. “Look, I think you need to stay here. Like Danny said, you need Niall now. Besides, you wouldn’t have anything to do in DC. Here you have a career and interviews and shows and fans and obligations. Just think of how much you need him to stay sane.”

Zayn sighs and closes his eyes. He wants to remember the sensation of his friends holding him and protecting him. He knows that when Niall picks him up in the morning that he will never get this again. He knows that Anthony will impress the ambassador and that he’ll be offered a full time position and that Danny will do exceptionally well with his schooling and he’ll decide to stay for another year. He knows this and yet he can’t help but feel a sense of pride swell through him. He is proud of his boys and he knows that he can always visit.

“I hope you guys do really well in whatever you end up doing,” Zayn whispers into Anthony’s neck. “Just promise that I’ll always have a place to crash in DC if I need to just get away.”

“Of course, you twat.”

And with that, the two boys descend on their friend with small kisses and tickling fingers.

************

Niall is outside the flat at ten thirty the next morning. Anthony had texted him about two hours ago and said it was clear to collect the pop star. He knocks on the door before hearing the shouts of “come in!” and just walking inside. There’s a lovely spread of food set up in the kitchen that Niall immediately zeros in on since he hadn’t eaten since about eight o’clock the night before.

“Hey, babe,” Zayn say quietly as he makes his way towards the blond with a plate filled with all of the food it could hold. “Made you a full English breakfast since I know that your mate really wasn’t in Leeds.”

The blond has the decency to look sheepish, but the smile on Zayn’s face is enough to make him less repentant for lying to the boy. “So you square everything away then?”

“Yeah. I’m going to stay with the most important part of my life and they’re going to start theirs. It’s going to be hard, but there’s Skype and I can always fly over there if I really need them.” Zayn says contentedly as Niall takes the plate and begins eating the food.

Anthony rolls his eyes. “Like he’d ever decide to leave you. If there’s one thing that I’ve notice change about you since being in One Direction, it has to be the fact that you open up a lot easier now. The moment you told us that you and Niall had started something, we knew we were out of a partner. Now, you’re just a friend and a brother. And trust me, that’s never going to change.”

After breakfast is finished and the everything is cleaned up and put away, the boys loiter around for as long as possible not wanting to leave. There’s a change in the wind- they can all feel it. Zayn knows this isn’t the end of their friendship, but he can’t help the tears as they hug and hold each other one last time for a long time. It’s different than leaving for tour and they can’t figure out why.

“Oh! Here’s our flight info- Flight 1 out of London. That way you can call us as soon as we land if you want,” Danny says knowing that Zayn will call them. “See you around, _165616_.”

Zayn chokes on the tears as he’s called by his X-Factor number- a running joke between the three of them. “As soon as you land, I’m calling.”

************

_“British Airways Flight 1 has been reported as missing. The flight took off from London City Airport at 9:45 Greenwich Mean Time and arrived at Shannon Airport in Ireland on time. The plane underwent routine maintenance before every transatlantic flight before leaving at 11:55 for John F. Kennedy Airport in New York. The plane lost contact about two hours into the flight and hasn’t been heard from since. Iceland, Greenland, and Canada have all sent out naval ships to search the water under the aircraft’s predicted path. We cannot know how long-”_

The woman on the BBC news channel stops mid-sentence and presses a hand to her ear. Her eyes widen in shock and sadness before she clears her throat and looks back up into the waiting camera, _“Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received word that Icelandic naval forces have found what appears to be parts of Boeing 474-236B. It is not confirmed, but sources believe that British Airways Flight 1 has crashed into the North Atlantic Ocean and there has been no survivors.”_


End file.
